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A father and his son go into the grocery store where they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, “Well, you see that 3 pack? That’s for when you’re in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and one for Saturday night.” The son then asks his father, “Well what’s the 6 pack for?” The father replies, “Well that’s for when you’re in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.” Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for. The father replies, “Well that’s for when you’re married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March…”

A rich man on his death bed called his doctor, his minister, and his lawyer to meet with him. When they all arrived, the dying man said, “I know I’m going to die soon, and all my life people have lectured me that one day I would die, and I couldn’t take my money with me! Well, I am going to prove them wrong! I’m giving each of you one million dollars in cash. Just before I’m buried, I want each of you to slip the million dollars into my coffin.” Sure enough, the man died the next day. After the services the doctor,minister, and the lawyer sat down together. The minister started the conversation saying, “I must confess I was taken by greed and only put three quarters of his money in the coffin.” Then the doctor confessed, “I understand, Reverend, I too was overcome with greed and I only put five hundred thousand in the coffin.” Whereupon the lawyer responded, “I’m ashamed at both of you. How could you have not respected the last wishes of a dying man?’ Both the minister and the doctor looked at him in awe until the lawyer finished with, “I put a check for the full amount in his coffin.”

Susan was in her late thirties and still not married. She just had a hard time meeting men. And the men she did meet all ended up being jerks. Finally, she decided to place an ad in the personals in the newspaper. She wrote: “Looking for a man who won’t beat me, won’t leave me, and is excellent in bed.” Several days went by and she hadn’t gotten a single call. Then, one day she was doing her laundry when she heard a knock on the door. She walked upstairs to answer it. She opened the door and saw a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. “Can I help you?” she asked. He said, “I am the man of your dreams!” She was baffled. She said, “Excuse me?” “I read your personal ad in the paper and I am the perfect man for you. I have no arms so I can’t beat you. I have no legs so I can never leave you.” “But are you good in bed?”, she asked. He replied, “How do you think I knocked on the door?!”

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, “Is this it?” God said, “No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live.” Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a facelift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 – 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, “I thought you said I had another 30 – 40 years?” God replied, “Shirley! I didn’t recognize you!”

Little Johnny is in art class. The art teacher asks, “what are you drawing?” Johnny answers, “a cow eating grass,” “where’s the grass?” “The cow ate it!” “Oh… what about the cow?” “She ran away!”

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse downs a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, “When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese.” The second mouse orders up two shots of bourbon, downs them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, “Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.” The first and second mice turn to the third mouse. He lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, “I don’t have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and screw the cat.”

Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands. The first says, “My husband is cheating on me, I just know it.. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren’t mine!” The second says, “My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!” The third woman fainted.

A man goes to the sporting good store to buy a new scope for his rifle. He asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, “This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill.” The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. “What’s so funny?” asks the clerk. “I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house.” the man replies. The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, “Here are two bullets, I’ll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife’s head off and shoot the guy’s dick off.” The man takes another look through the scope, and says, “You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!”